I just had a long conversation with a friend from high school. Aaron was my first friend who smoked pot, and he was Jewish on top of that, and he was openminded and musical and poetic. I had a crush on him when I first met him, but then he just became my friend.

The first week of senior year, he said, "Taylor, my friend Jason is in your English class and he said you're cute." The next day, I paid attention when my teacher called attendance, and I was delighted to see that I found Jason to be quite attractive as well. That's when I chose him. I did my best to find ways to talk to him, and I capitalized on a story I was writing for the paper about a program that he was involved in. For a couple weeks, I made excuses, then we started hanging out regularly. I remember once we were at his house and he suggested a movie. I said, "Yeah, let's stop by an ATM on the way though." He just looked at me and said, "Hey, you don't need money." Our first date :-)

We first kissed on the night of Thanksgiving 2000, on my couch in the living room, after my parents had gone to bed. I walked him to the door and he said, "Are you happy about what just happened?" I said, "Yeah, are you?" He smiled.

A few weeks later he said, "Taylor, people are asking what we are, and since we're making out all the time, are we dating, relationship or what?" We decided I was his girlfriend, and that our anniversary would be Thanksgiving (the 23rd that year, I think) and it would be fun. To make a long story short, dating him was the best time I've ever had. I didn't get bored, my heart beat faster every time I saw him, kissing him never got old. We used to play SSX on his Playstation 2 and he would kiss my neck and try to distract me and I would yell, "I'm trying to play video games here," and it was so backward but so fun. Spiritually, I was wacked out and crazy conservative, and I felt like dating him was wrong because he was Jewish and I was a Christian. It tore me apart, and at the end of January, Superbowl Weekend, I broke it off. That was the same weekend I got my wisdom teeth out. It was a fun weekend.

For the next sixth months, I had to see him 5 days a week. It was already a habit to look for him in the hallways. It didn't help that he was in my government class. For awhile we hung out occasionally.

Then he suddenly stopped talking to me. The reason for his silence remained a mystery for months, until his friend Ashleigh, my IB Psych partner mentioned to me, "Yeah, Jason wanted to call you and see if you wanted to come watch the Superbowl with us, but I told him he shouldn't. I knew that clean cuts are better. He can't just hang around and mess with your mind that way." Oh Ashleigh. The rest of high school was hell.

He ended up at the same college as me. I didn't see him, but I kept thinking about him. I sent him a few late night overemotional emails, explaining my thoughts and feelings. Looking back, it probably weirded him out that I hadn't gotten over it yet, but he never wrote back, and I just tried again. I must have made about three attempts before realizing I was only making it worse. About four months later, I ran into him outside his dorm, and he asked how I was and what was going on. He was holding the door open, and the alarm kept going off, so we stepped inside and spoke for a few minutes, but I had to go.

I felt better then, knowing he didn't hate me or want to ignore me. And that was that.

I've written in here about the moments that I have where the emotions come back and the memories of 2 months, every day, all day, come back and I'm just heartbroken that I gave that up.

I talked to Aaron today, and when Jason came up in the conversation, I pounced on the opportunity to ask an informed person about Jason's reactions. Aaron didn't really remember; he remembered Jason mentioning the emails, but nothing dramatic. He said that Jason was really involved with a girl for most of the year, that he grew up a lot, that he's different, but that he thinks when we get back to school, I should just call Jason, ask him to hang out, and talk to him. I don't have to overanalyze, I can just explain a few things and we can move on being friends after that. He said he thinks Jason would be totally cool with hanging with me, and that I shouldn't worry anymore. I asked Aaron if Alexis (J's gf) would have a problem with that. He said, "Oh, they broke up. Didn't I tell you?" My heart soared momentarily. I have no idea what's going to happen, or whether I'll like him again or not... It's just that the first guy that I ever loved didn't slip away slowly; he was ripped out of my hands leaving uneven, bleeding wounds. I've overanalyzed, and sure, I've learned a lot, but I feel like the relationship never reached a natural end. Other friendships and relationships have faded away, but this ended so abruptly because of a miscommunication, that I just feel like I have to see if the friendship can be repaired. If not, at least I'll have some closure.

I don't know what to think.