For hours, I waited. I knew he had called my mom from inside the building, which meant he hadn't been hurt in the initial impact. But the smoke, the collapsing ceilings ... All the times I had ever cursed him in my childhood, or wished he would just die, or had lashed out at him in an argument rushed back at me, and I couldn't think beyond that. There were so many things that I had never apologized for, had never made up for, and what if I had to carry those memories for the rest of my life?

The first time I talked to him after he came home, the tears rolled continuously down my cheeks and all I could say was, "I love you, Dad. I love you so much."

I thought I could never be that afraid again.

Until now. My mom told me yesterday that my dad would be deployed to Diego Garcia. I asked him today if he'd be home for Christmas. What follows is our conversation, my thoughts in RED

He said, "Think so...but no promises." He definitely will not be home for Thanksgiving.
I asked him what he would be doing there, his response was: "Beating up Al Qaeda terrorists...from my B52 cockpit."
OH MY GOD!
Taylor:(12:29:51 PM): woah are you serious?
Taylor (12:29:56 PM): you're going to be bombing people?
Shouldn't have said "people." I don't want him to think I'm fighting him on the ethics of war. Is HE going to be flying missions?
Taylor (12:30:23 PM): like you personally?
Dad (12:30:31 PM): people = terrorists?
Damn!
Taylor (12:30:50 PM): no i don't mean this from a humanistic perspective, i mean, are YOU going to be in danger?
Dad (12:30:59 PM): I mean...I know terrorrists are people
Taylor (12:31:09 PM): like could YOU be shot out of the air by the terrorists?
Dad (12:31:44 PM): but when evil is what they believe in, then it is time to do the right thing and a GODLY thing to stand up for what is right......there are always risks...but always mitigated to reasonable levels.
Dad (12:32:09 PM): I'm really a pretty good pilot
Taylor (12:32:22 PM): but you personally will be in the air
Dad (12:32:32 PM): I sure hope so...
"OH MY GOD! He could die!" "He could die, he could die, he could die, he could die, he could die!"
Taylor (12:32:41 PM): oh dad
"Stop crying!"
Dad (12:32:45 PM): I'm going to run the base...but I fully intend on taking my share of missions
"Dad, why do you have to be so brave? Daddy, you're going to be a general, please let other people go on those missions!"
Taylor (12:32:46 PM): that's really scary
Dad (12:33:00 PM): Be anxious for nothing
Dad (12:33:11 PM): but in all things...pray
Dad (12:33:45 PM): with thanksgiving
Dad (12:34:04 PM): and let your requests be know to God
Dad (12:34:20 PM): and the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds
Dad (12:34:31 PM): Philippians 4:6-7
I don't know if I can believe that.
Taylor (12:34:37 PM): dad i just want you to be around for a really long time. seriously, you guys won't let me walk around dc at night, but you're going into the heart of danger... it's just scary
Taylor (12:35:00 PM): i just love you a lot, and that's really scary to me that you will be in so much danger
Dad (12:35:06 PM): I think you're in more danger walking in DC than I'll be in
Taylor (12:35:13 PM): i hope so

For the most part I've been curled up into a ball on this swivel chair for the past 45 minutes, my arms wrapped around my knees, biting my hand, tears falling and sobs fighting their way out of my heart. I keep having horrible thoughts like, "OH God! Do I need to start saving my AIM conversations with him, so I have something to remember him by, in case something happens?"

I've told two people so far, Nick and Doug. Nick said he understands but I know he doesn't, and Doug, being the superliberal that he is, said, "The good thing is that americans don't die in wars anymore. If they do, it means we're not spending enough money on the military." Geez. All I know is that whether or not the Americans are in the right in this war, he's my dad, and I love him, and I respect him, and I believe in him, and I'm scared as hell for him, and I can't stop crying, and I can't listen to your humor because this is my Dad, who means more to me than almost anybody in the world, who has protected me since I was a baby, who has saved my life many more times than I can count, who has unconditionally loved me in a way that nobody besides my mom ever has, and I'm just so scared.